Waiting
Waiting is painful. Forgetting is
painful. But not knowing which to do
is the worse kind of suffering.
-Paulo Coelho
Life is a perpetual process of waiting. For a phone call, for the weekend, for the future, for love, for the end, and for what comes after.
Waiting is the hardest part.
We went to a bar called Tom and Jerry's. I was fifteen minutes late, and when I first walked in I didn't see him. My eyes scanned the room. I wonder when he spotted me. I wonder if he was trying to catch my eye. But his smile. Sitting at the table alone with a beer. No-phone confidence, staring into space. And I smiled back. It was so easy.
He bought me a drink, and then two more. We talked about urinals and the three Ps. The words were weird, but the sentiment was right. I tried to touch his hand. Not in my head, but in the present. And I felt really happy.
And then it ended. Standing at the entrance to the subway. Waiting again. A space too awkward for intimacy. Too bright under the street lamps. There was a hug, a big one. And then a quasi high-five/handshake. I don't know why, but I cried on the way home.
I said: "I meant to tell you this on Friday, and I can't remember if I did, but I had a really nice time with you."
"Aww shucks. Me too," he said.
And then nothing.
And so I wait. For the possibility of something real, something wonderfully real. How long remains before I give up hope. How long before I am forced to forget.
@rvstapleton
And sure enough even waiting
will end...if you can just wait long enough.
-William Faulkner
Update
It started with the basics (hi, hey, and so forth).
Him: At dinner with coworkers. I was thinking of you. And when we can hang out next.
Me: Haha sure you were. [I am bad at responses.] Sorry I'm bad at responding to those sorts of things. And like every other kind of thing too."
Him: I was! I'm busy in CT this weekend hanging out with family but what's your schedule like next week? I'm free all week and would like to hang out with you.
Me: I don't really have any sort of special plan for next week, so lucky me!
Him: No, lucky me.
And now the waiting.